With Christmas around the corner, it is time for joyous cheer and celebrations. One of the best parts of Christmas is nostalgia. Generations upon generations grow up with the traditions their ancestors performed. It is a beautiful way to connect with one’s past. One of these traditions is listening to Christmas music. One of the most popular songs is “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” While there should be concern about a reindeer with a bright red nose (that needs to be looked at) it is more important at this time to discuss the other reindeer names. Most importantly, whether their names work as a human name. Rudolph would take the cake, but the other names provide more intrigue.

Comet could be a human name if their parents were big fans of space objects. If not, this does not work as a name. Being named after an object made of dust and ice that orbits the Sun, according to NASA, is not the best thing to be named after. Orbiting on Earth is hard enough so being named after a cold object in outer space does not sound fun.

Dancer and Prancer go hand in hand. Oxford Languages definition of dance is “(of a person) move in a quick and lively way” and prance is “(of a horse) move with high springy steps.” Outside of the person and horse difference, these names are similar. They also hold in common the confusion of their names. Whether one is dancing or springing around like in the woods, someone will say, “Go dance (prance).” They will respond, “Hey, that’s me.” The first person says, “No, go do that.” They will respond, “Hey, that’s me.” And the conversation goes on like this for perpetuity.

Dasher is like Dancer and Prancer in it describes what someone could be doing. It could work ironically for someone who is not fast to be named Dasher. This does not feel right. The only circumstance which matters is if two Olympic sprinters have a child. Then it makes sense to name their kid Dasher.

As for the name Donner, who knows? It does not give off an overly exciting vibe for a name. Donner does not speak of a scientist who saves the world. It speaks of a man who saves a cat stuck in the tree, but that is about it.

Blitzen sounds like a lot of fun, but it is almost too aggressive. It feels like this name is going to sack me on a football field. Those painful memories can stay where they are, not being evoked. Blitzen also sounds like a tough guy who works as a bouncer or security for a VIP.

Vixen according to the Oxford Languages definition is “a female fox” or “a spirited or fierce woman.” Outside of one other reindeer name, it works the best for a name of a person. It is the opposite of Donner, providing more excitement. The issue is it puts the onus of being a vixen on a person, and this is not good.

Lastly, there is Cupid. This name obviously brings the thought of a boy with wings shooting arrows at people to make them fall in love. This feat will be near impossible to complete if one is named after Cupid. At least this name is not coming completely out of left field. The other names people will question why your parents are obsessed with Santa’s reindeer.

Ultimately, none of these reindeer names besides Rudolph work well for humans. These names do not flow off the tongue outside of the poems, songs, and films they appear in. They belong where they began, with the reindeer.

Sean Dengler is a writer, comedian, farmer, and host of the Pandaring Talk podcast who grew up on a farm between Traer and Dysart. You can reach him at sean.h.dengler@gmail.com.