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– Laura on Life –

By Laura Snyder

Central Iowa Press

The name’s Floo. Floo Virus. I am a creature of stealth, intelligence, & adaptability. I’m not an idiot. And if I have to stand here with all these other yahoos in this over-congested lung and listen to my bonehead of a boss tell me what my job is, I swear I’m just going to mutate!

Sometimes, his pep talks sound more like a call to arms.

“Okay men, today is the day we take over the world!”

Oh please. He looks so authoritative wearing that Robin Hood hat of his. Besides, with all those troublesome vaccines, I’ll be lucky if I can infect a three-year old without a bunch of antibodies beating the crap out of me. Oh, my aching cell wall! Of course, I do have the unique ability to go incognito as another strain. Then those vaccines won’t even recognize me and I can slink in all secret-like.

It’s never long before the vaccines catch on though. Usually I can only infect two or three people before I have to change costumes again. Blast those vaccines. They make my life so much more complicated. But my name is Floo Virus and I will never give up!

The trick is to find a host that has not taken the vaccine. Then, Fever! Coughing! Body Aches! Puke!… Ah, good times, man.

Speaking of coughs, I think we are due one anytime now. Good, because it’s getting kind of feverish in here. You’d think with today’s virus technology- I mean we can mutate, for crying out loud! We’d have found a means of transportation that didn’t include high-velocity mucus. I mean, yes, I create that kind of havoc, but that doesn’t mean that I want to wallow in it. Or, for that matter, take it for a spin.

Well, it looks like the bonehead is finally done flapping his membranes and oh no! The feather in his hat is tickling the side of the lung. And me without a mucus-mobile! Crap!

In the end, it didn’t matter. Mucus-mobile or not, we were all going to exit this lung at warp speed. I made a grab for an unoccupied piece of phlegm, but it slipped out of my grasp. It’s just as well. Sometimes phlegm can give away your position.

After the expulsion, I looked around and found myself plastered to the crease between the knuckles of a thumb.

Time to plan my next victim. It would have been nice if I had been airborne a little longer because I could have easily been inhaled right into another lung. (Heavy sigh) Nothing ever comes easy.

But wait, the hand is reaching for a cup. If I can just, yes! I’m on the cup and, yes, here comes my next victim. Using my inner Jedi, I whisper, “Pick up the cup! Pick up the cup!”

Yeah, baby!

Uh, oh. Going to the sink. This could be Sayonara for the likes of me. No, wait, she’s placing the cup in the sink, but she didn’t wash her hands! Thank goodness for stupid people!

Now it’s just a matter of time, hours maybe, before she touches something and brings it to her mouth. I can wait.

Hold the presses! She’s, yes, she’s picking her nose! Almost there! Just one little sniff and Jackpot!

I hope my new boss isn’t such a bonehead

Laura Snyder is a syndicated columnist, author & speaker. You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.

– Laura on Life –

By Laura Snyder

Central Iowa Press

The name’s Floo. Floo Virus. I am a creature of stealth, intelligence, & adaptability. I’m not an idiot. And if I have to stand here with all these other yahoos in this over-congested lung and listen to my bonehead of a boss tell me what my job is, I swear I’m just going to mutate!

Sometimes, his pep talks sound more like a call to arms.

“Okay men, today is the day we take over the world!”

Oh please. He looks so authoritative wearing that Robin Hood hat of his. Besides, with all those troublesome vaccines, I’ll be lucky if I can infect a three-year old without a bunch of antibodies beating the crap out of me. Oh, my aching cell wall! Of course, I do have the unique ability to go incognito as another strain. Then those vaccines won’t even recognize me and I can slink in all secret-like.

It’s never long before the vaccines catch on though. Usually I can only infect two or three people before I have to change costumes again. Blast those vaccines. They make my life so much more complicated. But my name is Floo Virus and I will never give up!

The trick is to find a host that has not taken the vaccine. Then, Fever! Coughing! Body Aches! Puke!… Ah, good times, man.

Speaking of coughs, I think we are due one anytime now. Good, because it’s getting kind of feverish in here. You’d think with today’s virus technology- I mean we can mutate, for crying out loud! We’d have found a means of transportation that didn’t include high-velocity mucus. I mean, yes, I create that kind of havoc, but that doesn’t mean that I want to wallow in it. Or, for that matter, take it for a spin.

Well, it looks like the bonehead is finally done flapping his membranes and oh no! The feather in his hat is tickling the side of the lung. And me without a mucus-mobile! Crap!

In the end, it didn’t matter. Mucus-mobile or not, we were all going to exit this lung at warp speed. I made a grab for an unoccupied piece of phlegm, but it slipped out of my grasp. It’s just as well. Sometimes phlegm can give away your position.

After the expulsion, I looked around and found myself plastered to the crease between the knuckles of a thumb.

Time to plan my next victim. It would have been nice if I had been airborne a little longer because I could have easily been inhaled right into another lung. (Heavy sigh) Nothing ever comes easy.

But wait, the hand is reaching for a cup. If I can just, yes! I’m on the cup and, yes, here comes my next victim. Using my inner Jedi, I whisper, “Pick up the cup! Pick up the cup!”

Yeah, baby!

Uh, oh. Going to the sink. This could be Sayonara for the likes of me. No, wait, she’s placing the cup in the sink, but she didn’t wash her hands! Thank goodness for stupid people!

Now it’s just a matter of time, hours maybe, before she touches something and brings it to her mouth. I can wait.

Hold the presses! She’s, yes, she’s picking her nose! Almost there! Just one little sniff and Jackpot!

I hope my new boss isn’t such a bonehead

Laura Snyder is a syndicated columnist, author & speaker. You can reach Laura at lsnyder@lauraonlife.com Or visit her website www.lauraonlife.com for more info.